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Feb. 14th, 2026 09:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xindigosaberxIt's been a few days. Had a lot happen. Had a lot put in my way to make me explode. Realized I'm desperate not to. I keep warning people to try and get them to leave me alone before I do. I'm scared because I know what I was like before. I know what I'm capable of in a way none of these manipulators and saboteurs do. I don't want to hurt like I did then. Every action I took weighed on me until I could barely lift my head. My biggest secret, only it's not a secret at all. I literally cannot hurt anyone without feeling the pain myself. I'm very good at it, I do know how. But the cost is so high I take and take and take rather than making the mistake of lashing out and feeling so much worse.
But something snapped inside me today. I was forced to re-home my daughters cat. I was blessed to find a good one. I couldn't ask for better than a no-kill rescue network vet. But a cruelty that felt entirely new came in when I left. The rage I remember. But this is different. I don't care anymore what the personal cost is. The world is going to know what these people have done to me. What has happened to my child. What they sat around a conference table in a CHURCH discussing about her while I recorded the entire meeting.
The world will know what the prison did to me for doing the very things we ALL signed contracts to do when hired.
The world will know what my family did to me instead of help, then blamed me for placing boundaries.
Some people want quiet. They mistake it for competency, when what they really want is silent suffering so there's no interruption of their scheming and plots.
I am not a playing piece on a board to be moved according to whichever sociopath with a god complex gets an inkling of my uses. I will not be used at all. And I will NOT be quiet. I will destroy everything before that happens. I'm not afraid to walk alone, I've been doing it my entire life. I will do it the rest of my life if I have to. I will not accept the illusion of family or love in exchange for control. Call me incompetent because I won't shut my mouth...I'll just continue over here succeeding alone.
But something snapped inside me today. I was forced to re-home my daughters cat. I was blessed to find a good one. I couldn't ask for better than a no-kill rescue network vet. But a cruelty that felt entirely new came in when I left. The rage I remember. But this is different. I don't care anymore what the personal cost is. The world is going to know what these people have done to me. What has happened to my child. What they sat around a conference table in a CHURCH discussing about her while I recorded the entire meeting.
The world will know what the prison did to me for doing the very things we ALL signed contracts to do when hired.
The world will know what my family did to me instead of help, then blamed me for placing boundaries.
Some people want quiet. They mistake it for competency, when what they really want is silent suffering so there's no interruption of their scheming and plots.
I am not a playing piece on a board to be moved according to whichever sociopath with a god complex gets an inkling of my uses. I will not be used at all. And I will NOT be quiet. I will destroy everything before that happens. I'm not afraid to walk alone, I've been doing it my entire life. I will do it the rest of my life if I have to. I will not accept the illusion of family or love in exchange for control. Call me incompetent because I won't shut my mouth...I'll just continue over here succeeding alone.
