xindigosaberx

 I don't necessarily believe what happened to me when I worked at the prison in Eloy was connected to my abuser, at least not at first. I don't think they knew about what I'd been through until they ran my background. Again, I am not a mind reader, so I don't know for certain or have all the answers. But I can extrapolate from the series of events and the snippets of conversations I overheard that what was intended for me, had happened to others, and was always the reason I was originally hired.

Not because I was qualified. Not because I was the best candidate to be a records clerk in their OIU, but because I fit the bill for what they needed in an unofficial capacity. They thought I was an idiot, I realized that almost immediately by the way I was corralled into that role. How I was assumed to have a crush on every male I spoke to, how every mistake I made while learning was magnified and ever success overlooked, by the way my roles without training were expected...and after training taken away one by one until I was sitting at my desk for half the day because I'd finished the only role I was allowed to have. By the way I was spoken to as though I could understand very little, when I'd given absolutely no impression of that being the case. By how I'd expressed myself genuinely, but was taken suspiciously as though every word I spoke was false. And how my attempts at positivity and refusing to join in bad mouthing anyone, were perceived as a lack of intelligence.

They needed me to be naive, an idiot, so that was exclusively the lens through which I was viewed.

No one spoke to me enough to know for certain what was true or not except my direct supervisor...and she didn't like me. I was a nuisance she barely tolerated because I refused to endure the slander and mind games another employee in our department enacted. I refused to simply put up with it as directed by her. So I became a problem she didn't want to solve. There was absolutely no motivation whatsoever for her to be honest in the narrative either.

(as an aside, during this time the facility locksmith would come by multiple times a day and wave to me and as he had trained me, I would wave back. I liked this man immediately and quickly grew to respect him immensely. He was solely the person there I wanted to be friends with. But eventually, I found instead he used the attention I gave as a tool to build bonds with others, speaking disparagingly about me openly in the main corridor then smiling brightly and waving at me like nothing happened, or coming up into my personal space in the break room to ask if I was really okay, until I started avoiding him too. I nearly forgot that also during this time the office gossip recognized how highly I regarded this man and began flirting and befriending him heavily, joking with our supervisor and the older coworker that she was 'taking one for the team'.)

It was sometime around there that I realized something was not quite right. The employee who tormented and gossiped about me(and everyone else, frankly) would dip into the Warden's office and with his door open and less then twenty feet from ours in a mostly bare hallway, whatever was said echoed. I have better than average hearing as it is and autism, so I could both hear them, and was unable to completely tune it out. I could hear the tones they used with each other, the quiet conspiratorial nature, his gentle and endearing responses. Nothing completely inappropriate, but alarm bells were going off in my head. The other coworker who suddenly teamed up with this one, started going in there too, but she listened to me when I pleaded with them that I could hear everything if the door wasn't shut and she would shut the door. But the Warden would always appear extremely angry after those little meetings, and often he'd be glaring directly at me. I would be clueless. Because it was every. single. time. after a seemingly pleasant morning where I hadn't done anything, no one had done anything to me and things were moving as one would consider normal.

It was around that time they suddenly made a very obvious and public show of keeping me from the Warden...which was ridiculous because I was already avoiding the man. Something about him seemed unstable and I wanted no part of it so I avoided being anywhere he was if I could help it. I might have to take my documents to the shredding room past his office, but that was for the most part the only time I'd ever pass his doorway. There were many times I'd have the shredding taken out of my hands so one of them could do it. If he sent me any instructions one of them would complete delivery and on one occasion the older of them commented while yanking the transfer packet from me "Thank God we were here" and rushing it to him in R&D. 

At that point, I will admit I had little to no idea what was going on. I also did not want to know, so I'd put as much effort as I could into staying unaware in a situation where the people around me were...stupidly obvious about their toxic bullshit. I'd been threatened with violence twice. I was overhearing trash talk specifically about me on a daily basis, witnessing painfully gross flirting in the workplace between multiple pairs(more than one of them involving the office gossip) and seeing nearly everyone propping themselves up and most outright lying to each other to such a degree I was caught between extreme panic and disgust. I wanted out- but there were no opportunities. I kept checking, kept trying to find the right one to escape to, only to find the area had nothing comparable in pay or hours and I had a mentally ill teen in need of some supervision at home who was entirely unwilling to be home alone at night, and kept losing our house key so she also could not be trusted with the home during the day. I was effectively trapped for the time being, no matter how much I disliked it.

There was a strange incident where the Warden walked into the OIU and stopped in the doorway, staring wide eyed at me when I looked up. I admit I was not happy to see his reaction as this had begun to be a recurring event. This time the office gossip saw it. I narrowed my eyes at him and I am sorry to say I glared. I did not know what this attention I was getting was about- but I did not like it at all. After looking first to me to see my expression, the office gossip looked to see it was him staring at me like that, that had caused my ire. Not long after, she and my other coworker filed a complaint with HR that was more successful than those I had made, I was transferred immediately to medical. I remember when my supervisor found out because the medical department head stopped by the OIU to talk to me about my start date, the older coworker asked my OIU supervisor "What are we going to do?" and she looked at me and responded "I don't know." But in the week it took to solidify the paperwork, my supervisor and the older coworker spent each day visiting medical Records and by the time I got there...the medical records clerk I knew and had previously gotten along with was now very displeased with my presence.

At first I didn't even care. I was relieved to be away from the Warden and the OIU. It had been hell there and even if the medical records clerk wouldn't speak to me even to train me or answer ANY questions, at least I didn't have to see or hear any highly unnecessary bullshit on a daily basis. I wouldn't say I thrived there. I had very little training. I knew how to upload documents and file them in the hard files properly, I knew how to send a fax and dial out on the phone...and that was the extent of my training. But I knew if I'd had training beyond that for this highly specifically styled role, I would have excelled. I loved working with the inmates, giving them access to their records in the procedures required, making sure they knew what those procedures were and communicating with them. I got excellent feedback from them regarding it especially in the few moments when they were upset and I was able to talk with them until they understood and felt better equipped to seek care. I knew from those moments and from the way I enjoyed the paperwork and minutia of my role that this was what I wanted to do, that my idea years prior to seek this role long term outside of the corrections environment was the correct one. I had found what I wanted to do for a career at last, even if I was surrounded by coworkers who did not understand, care to know, or like me.

There were some there I liked, whether they liked me in return or not. Montgomery for example, one of the providers. He had high standards and was gossiped about for this, but his sharp, cantankerous humor never failed to make me laugh. There were days he and the CMA would come into medical records to talk and I'd have to school my face to remain neutral, as most of what he said would normally have made me giggle. It was a needed reprieve and I missed his presence when he was gone. Another provider, Nally, gave me a shot when no one else did. Not in friendship but as a coworker. She talked to me when most were afraid to. Heard me out, and in general I felt accepted by her and her alone more days than not. She was decent. I didn't know her well, but I knew that much. I will say the head of medical was another who gave me a shot. She was wary, as anyone who heard the things said about me would be, but it never effected how she spoke to me or treated me. She was actually extremely gentle with me. I appreciated that from her so much.

(This was the time period when exiting one day at the end of my shift, I held open the door to the main building to let in the crowd clocking out at 4 as I or another did most days. This time, one of the CO3's grabbed the door, pressed his entire body into my side and breathed the word 'mademoiselle' heavily into my ear. I stated flatly "Hello (his name)" and immediately removed myself. No one said anything. No one called him out, and I knew for damn sure nothing would be done. So I documented, and moved my fat ass along. What else could I do if reporting to HR made things 100 times worse and there were no opportunities for employment elsewhere?)




Unfortunately around then was when it became really clear the other medical records clerk was blaming me for others mistakes. She kept doing it. She wasn't actually in the records room 75% of the day so I let it go until I couldn't anymore as was a very bad habit of mine in the workplace I've since corrected. She would also purposely misfile a hard document and say the nurse who helped on the weekends did it, only I knew both who helped and knew one handled records before and was always correct- and the other simply left them loose for me in the right files so I could put them in the correct section as I filed during the week. I have no way of knowing how many forms she did this with but I feel for the department on their next audit. I caught her multiple times a week saying disparaging things about me to others that were not only unprovoked but wildly concocted. I caught on as well that her questions about me personally were styled simply for this purpose. When I confronted her twice for this behavior, she shoved it off as her being overwhelmed with work and would not discuss it. When I finally went to our supervisor who pulled her in to ask her to be a little more approachable, because she had begun refusing to answer my questions regarding procedure in addition to everything else, she confronted me loudly in front of everyone. I stayed calm and tried to maintain her dignity as well as my own, but nothing was solved. She told me she wished she was dead as a means to shut me up and having witnessed her behavioral inconsistencies, I took that comment seriously. 

(Sometime during this, when a specific CO was on duty, he tried to get into the bathroom  which was a single use locking room, not stalls- while I was using the toilet. I yelled repeatedly it was occupied as the door sign stated while I hurried to finish and pull my pants up. He kept trying keys and had it open just as I'd finished getting myself appropriate. I know he heard me yelling I was in there, he knows I know that. The smile on his face made it clear I'd narrowly saved myself from some new indignity. The inmate in the cell behind him saw the entire thing and asked me later if I was alright. That was the sum of my experience...inmates treating me with more dignity than the employees guarding them.)

That was the point for me when I finally let go. I started quietly looking for another job, any job, any pay rate, any role, just a means to leave. I got hired quickly at a temp company with a temp to hire role in casa grande. It was actually a 2 dollar raise, I passed initial background and reference check according to them, and I was so looking forward to getting back into the much less pressured industry of property management. But the last week of my employment things got weird. People were in my space at first and I simply dealt with it. Someone tried to get into the medical records storage closet when I was locked in there, if they were authorized, they'd have had a key like I did. I witnessed an inmate having a severe mental health crisis in connection with the loss of a loved one where he got pepper sprayed for getting angry when refused access to therapy where he'd been told prior he could. The facility therapist told him he was large and scary and had to understand his anger and tone were what led to that. He argued he was in cuffs, in a padded room, unarmed and in mourning, and it was not okay to tell him that. The facility provider refused to speak with him until he'd 'calmed down'. Another had an even more severe mental health crisis, and the CO's were making fun of him and his specific situation to his face while he waited in restraints for a cell to be available. My heart broke. He wasn't making eye contact with anyone, his head was down, and in one of what had to be the worst moments of his life, he was showing more dignity and good behavior, than any of the officers assigned to guard him.

I reported it before I even had time to think. There was never going to be a scenario for me witnessing something like that, that I wouldn't act out of reflex and I knew I had no authority to confront it directly with the officers involved. I knew HR on site would do as little as they had for me...which was nothing. So I went over all their heads and reported directly to corporate knowing that was the end of my employment and it would be a race against time to see if I got into my new job before the retaliation for this new issue began. That was at the beginning of the week. Things got progressively worse with people in my personal space, people glaring, the gate operators in Control making me wait 5 to ten minutes to get anywhere. Then Friday rolled around. I showed up in my company logo long sleeved polo shirt, jeans and flats. I had no makeup on, my hair pulled into a tight bun. I was focused on comfort at that point, nothing more, so I could just get through my day. I'd even spent a couple moments in front of the mirror that morning musing on how I looked noticeably less presentable and it would just have to do. But somehow that morning, multiple men told me how attractive I looked before I'd even gotten in the first security gate. By the time I got to my desk, several inmates had commented as well. I observed one of the superiors of the CO's joking around and I commented 'I saw that' in a joking response. He smiled, came over and invaded my space to an inappropriate level in view of the cameras and kept getting closer until in a moment of panicked uncertainty because I really had no idea what he was doing, I stepped back and maintained that distance until I could leave the conversation I now knew I never should have initiated.

Disconcerted and confused, I sat at my desk for a while trying to recenter myself and figure out why I was getting so much attention when I knew for a fact it didn't make sense.  I am not a conventionally attractive woman. I have very large eyes, a pointed large nose, big teeth and a round face that looks perpetually angry- top all of that off with about 100 pounds of excess weight, I am not pretty. I am not even, in my opinion, passable. I'm awkward, and I often joke that I look like my mom and dad were first cousins. There was no reason in my mind that I could conceive of, that the attention I was receiving that morning was genuine or positively intended. I went to the break room by control to clear my head and get some caffeine and food. I was suddenly very tired. On my way back I had to wait a very long time at the door to medical. To my immediate rear was the Warden talking on his cell phone. To my left were the arrivals, locked in the waiting area to be processed. A couple made a response that I was very pretty. I said thank you curtly and turned toward the door, one continued louder, I told him that was quite enough but he continued, I turned toward the Warden, only to find him turn entirely on the situation. The inmate grinned and began even harder to describe how much he liked my shirt and how it fit and that it matched my eyes. I yanked the door open when it finally buzzed and went to my desk then went out to my car and verified I was still slated to start my new job the next week, then went back to my desk, sent my resignation letter, turned in my keys and ID and left the facility. I'd clocked in at 8 am, and I was gone long before noon. 

I have no idea what was happening that day. Maybe it was intended to accomplish exactly what it did. Maybe it was some horrible coincidence- but I doubt it. Either I was genuinely unsafe, or I was made to feel that way, either way the inmates knew at that point the Warden would not defend or protect me. I had to work with inmates in close quarters(sometimes locked in a room with multiple inmates) on a daily basis. I could not stay with any of them knowing even the facility director himself wouldn't speak out on my behalf.

So I quit. I left. And the next day my new job fell through with no warning or explanation. Then the next job did the same thing. Then the next. Then the next job after those gave me a start date, location and my supervisors name...and cancelled without warning or explanation two days later. I caught pneumonia and was bedridden with a fever, coughing so hard each time a fit came I hurt myself, burst blood vessels in my eyes and vomited for three weeks. We became homeless not long after that and by divine intervention alone, ended up where we did. I thought since we were almost in entirely different county and more than an hour away it would be far enough to not have to deal with people from the prison ever again. This past week proved that wrong.

 I don't think there's really anything that hurts quite as much as genuinely trying to help someone because they expressed a need that you actually can help them get and they turn around and try to hurt you instead of accepting it. When am I going to find people I can trust who have integrity again? It's been years. My heart is aching. I feel very alone trying to do what's right surrounded by people who seem to take that as a personal insult.

 Almost as if it's in direct response to me having a good day, my now adult daughter seemed to have a full meltdown yesterday. She made another veiled accusation of me, suggesting I'd cursed her because she had another canker sore and the boy she liked didn't want to date her, and I realized I'm fully done with tolerating this cycle. I'm fully done with dealing with people determined to purposely misunderstand and vilify me to make themselves feel better.

I'm done being accused of wrongdoing simply because I'm a 'witch'. I'm not that petty and I don't waste my magic or valuable energetic work on other people, most especially on punishing them, when I know full well I don't have to. People who do negative things, myself included, usually reap that same harvest for themselves. No one is immune, not even with money or influence. What you do, will shape the life you live. That's it.

I'm sick and disgusted with the stigma she and others have tried over the past few years to make stick to me. I know full well, and so do they, that what they're accusing me of is how THEY would use magic. Not me. I don't do a working without consent and I do protection spells, wards, road openers and self love or abundance rituals. That's all I do.

And just like clockwork, the truck is back circling the shelter every hour or so. It's so obvious these behaviors are in direct opposition to things I post online whether here or elsewhere. If I post I'm doing well, someone tries to ruin it. If I post I'm cutting ties, someone tries to accuse me of something or make it look like I'm actually the one causing the problem and the other person is cutting ties and claiming I'M the one getting karma. Except the facts don't match up. They never do. I'm keenly aware I'm dealing with a person with a personality disorder and for whatever reason, my daughter is mixed up in it.

 Got access to my first course yesterday, started today. Did my first quiz and it was pretty much just a 'familiarize yourself with this method of learning' kind of quiz so not really possible to do anything but pass. With as much customer service experience as I have under my belt at this point in life this first course will go by pretty quickly. I'm looking forward to the second half of this program because it focuses on anatomy and billing/coding. The first half is almost entirely HR related, which is pretty standard for any corporate/office environment. Good to have under my belt though, so I can say I've been educated in it moving forward.

Made dinner for the house tonight. My daughter attempted to do the 'you're gross' thing again. I think she's actually starting to realize how rude it is. I'm starting to wonder if she has been told I have something and instead of asking me she just ran with it. Kinda tired of never knowing why people do these things but I'm also starting to suspect it's just a gigantic gaslighting tactic from my entire family. Trying to humble me for doing absolutely anything that doesn't look like me hating myself, isolating or behaving insecurely. Because how dare I contribute? How dare I cook or clean or do any acts of service? How dare I do anything for anyone or behave like I have anything to offer a community? No idea. I just know it's pretty cruel and false. I'm not diseased or gross. I have better hygiene than she does. I wash my hands more, I brush my teeth more, I bathe more thoroughly and I am trained in food handling. I know for a fact I have better cross contamination prevention than some of the people here. I know I handle meat more securely as well. 

I am definitely not perfect, there is room for improvement but I am not useless. I am not a bad cook and I am not gross. I'm just fat. That's it.

 I tried today. That's all I can really say about it. I didn't get much done, but I tried. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I completed my pre-class tasks so now I am actually all finished with orientation, tutorials etc.. and completely ready for my first day of class. I'm excited. Part of my class list is anatomy, I've always wanted to take a college level class in that subject and never had the opportunity before now. I loved biology classes in high school and I love science in general, I'm so looking forward to this.

My work starts soon. I'm looking forward to that as well. I'll be walking to work so I'll get lots of exercise and continue my weight loss. I got weighed a week ago and found I'd lost 40 pounds since April of last year. Granted I probably lost at least 15 of that in December when I had pneumonia, but I'm excited to continue and build on that number. My blood pressure was a whole lot better too. Walking a half mile a day will at least help both those things. I'll supplement it with my kettlebell workout. By this time next year, I'll look completely different and be closer to the size I want to be. My goal is size 12. That was my size when I married my ex husband, before all this hell began. I want to end it in the same size jeans and a whole lot more grit. I get to wear jeans to my new job too. And smile and joke and laugh without it being mistaken for something else, and be surrounded by plants all day long. I'm really happy about that. I'm gonna get some plants tomorrow for my room at the shelter so I can wake up with a smile on my face too. My friend here just got her own room too. I'm so happy for her. She deserves some peace. 

I helped clean the house tonight. It helped how restless I felt. I've been really struggling with the urge to run. I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared of putting myself out there? Scared of being provoked, rejected and made fun of all over again? My friend told me I do a good job of putting myself out there and that I'm a good listener, I'm glad she feels that way, because I do care. But I haven't connected with the others like I have with her. It doesn't really feel like anyone else has given me a chance. 

I saw someone who worked at the prison with me last night and it threw me for a loop. I have no reason to be this afraid of running into them. Chances are very high most of the people there don't give a fuck about me and don't even think about me anymore. They hurt me, not the other way around, I barely impacted their lives at all except as a person to talk shit about. So I doubt they even remember me. But when I saw him I froze like a deer in the headlights. I had to remind myself I wasn't in danger. That's kind of pathetic.

It's been a really emotionally painful couple of days. I'm doing what I can but I'm struggling with the way it feels that I can't count on ANYONE in my family to treat me kindly. It's been years now of being treated like I exist to be the waste receptacle for everyone's negative emotions and I'm to the point I can't take anymore of it. I'd rather burn bridges and be alone than be one persons punching bag even one more time.

My daughter spent Thursday afternoon making passive aggressive comments to me in the car that implied repeatedly I was gross until I asked her to clarify and explain why she felt that way. She immediately tried to deflect, I refused to be sidetracked and she started an argument and trying to deny anything had happened at all and I just cut her off and kept doing so- because she kept trying over and over to turn it into something other than what the issue I expressed was. After almost 4 years of this, I realized it isn't going to change. She really doesn't feel any need to speak to me kindly unless she wants something and she has been doing the same behavior as before where she will pick a fight when we're alone, then cry and act like a victim as soon as we're around other people so I pay the consequences for her disrespectful behavior. I will no longer allow myself to be alone with her. I'm done tolerating this kind of hurt from anyone, no matter how much I love them. I'm human and I deserve consideration and support too. Maybe I won't get it here, but I don't have to sit and let myself be mistreated by adult children either.

I'm a little surprised by how I'm treated here by people far more educated than myself. It's very disappointing. But I don't have the energy to try and earn people's understanding anymore. I'm just sad. It's really difficult to lose everything right down to your rental history and credit score, have autism, PTSD from childhood abuse/sexual assault, be recently widowed, homeless after getting blacklisted by a bad job and STILL being treated rudely/coldly with little to no explanation by people literally paid to help you. People just decide I'm a bad person without getting to know me while watching me help and care about the people around me and then wonder why I distance myself and act so awkward. Why would I try to communicate with you when I know it bothers you and you don't like me? Why would I come out of my room when the people who have the power to decide my housing situation seem to be uncomfortable in my presence?

And no one will tell me why, they judge me for how much it hurts and how I respond, but no one will tell me why I'm being treated this way when clearly I don't recognize what I'm doing that is resulting in this. The closest I've got is being told I'm a snitch at my job in corrections and that my eyes are annoying. And called an emotional manipulator when I demanded my family explain why they wouldn't help my daughter when we were about to be homeless. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do with that? I'm tired and I've been through enough. People loading more on at this point should be ashamed of themselves for acting like complete bullies and I will no longer categorize it as anything else.

When someone isn't provoking you or anyone else, is simply trying to rebuild, and you're talking shit about them or to them, YOU ARE A BULLY and not worthy of the time it would take to discuss it in any other manner.

I'm grateful for Source, what we practitioners call our higher power and our connection with it. It's an all encompassing label, because most of us believe deity is deity no matter the label- and our connection to divine is what grants our ability, protection and pretty much everything else we access in our spiritual and physical lives. I've been granted a very solid connection with Source, and I've been guided, protected and provided for in ways that to me, make it no longer a matter of just faith. I've witnessed too much on my behalf to not absolutely know that a connection to the divine is there and is very real.

I've been thinking this week about all the times real attempts have been made on my life, or due to neglect, I was in real mortal peril, and yet divine saw me through in ways I still can't explain. Whether by what seemed at the time like a very real voice telling me what to do, or intuition guiding my steps, I'm alive because of that.

So tonight I'm grateful for Source, for being my only safety net my entire life and delivering me to this point, where for the first time, I am really able to take charge of my life (whether people are trying to interfere or not) and shape my life into one I want to live, instead of one where I simply survive.

Not sure what I think about on the same day I post about not being able to smoke anything, the entire side of the shelter I'm at smells heavily of pot and people have been harassing me online all fucking day. I guess that means that's exactly what was said.

I guess they've given up on using my kid against me and are straight up trying to get me kicked out.

And just like clockwork, they're commenting on it covertly on my tiktok saying things like 'big smokeee'

I guess I'm grateful tonight that I have myself because I'm feeling pretty alone tonight. I wish just once someone would have the balls to tell me what it is that has me isolated and rejected everywhere I go. This is confusing as hell.

I don't have much to write today. Just grinding each day, making my best effort to keep improving my situation and work toward being self sufficient. Hitting one roadblock after another. For some reason my financial aid profile never existed even though my FAFSA was approved. I'm not sure how that happened and neither are they, just one more very weird and seemingly random hiccup in me achieving ANYTHING. It's like I keep having to prove I EXIST over and over again in a dozen different ways.

Every time I get my birth certificate, it goes missing when I move. Every time I get a copy of my social security card, within a week it's just gone from the envelope I keep it in, no matter where I keep it. I've gone through three since my husband died. Two birth certificate copies since my husband died, the box with my past taxes and my kids birth certificates got stolen from the moving truck in Chandler when we moved into that apartment and the fireproof zip bag holding their newly acquired documents got stolen when we moved to Pinal county. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't seem to protect my documents myself. I've tried everything and somehow they go missing every time even though I know exactly where I put them. This time I thought I had it because I kept the documents with me no matter where I went, but one of them is just gone. AGAIN.

It's idiotic of whoever is taking them because it doesn't do anything but cause a mild inconvenience, while making themselves guilty of a major crime. The government issues a receipt letter for your request and if you can't get new ones, they have a letter your employer accepts. It doesn't stop anything. It doesn't prevent the government from proving my identity or citizenship. There's literally no payoff here other than showing me they can and that I STILL have no privacy or safety.