xindigosaberx

I cooked dinner for the shelter tonight. My daughter made dessert. Got positive feedback, was given a soda. Kinda felt nice to be part of a communal home again where people work together. I forgot what that felt like. I slept better last night. A solid 7 hours without waking before room check. I like it here, it's not ideal and I really don't like depending on anyone, but I feel safe. The people who work here are solution oriented which is a relief and a refreshing change from what I've been dealing with for YEARS in my old life. Regardless I cried myself to sleep last night and it was the first time I've cried in months.

I'm grieving the changes and the choices I made that led me here. The difficulty lies in knowing the choices I made felt right and I don't think I would have changed them. My daughter has severe mental illness, it causes challenging behaviors and four times in the past before this- extreme crisis requiring intervention. Altogether I spent a sum I don't even want to disclose on getting the best treatment money could buy.

I sent her to a facility in Newport Beach so she could get the best treatment money could buy and I visited twice in spite of living in AZ, did daily multiple phone calls with her support team, did video calls and daily phone calls with her. Did twice weekly family video appointments with her therapist, her care was literally my full time job for what amounted to ultimately a year and a half after my husband died. I racked up quite a bit of bills which I paid off quickly when I got the settlement for my husbands death. I was a stay at home mom for 3 years because of that money during the most tumultuous time of our lives. I DO NOT regret spending it that way. It made keeping my suicidal child alive possible. It made me present for my other childs life in a way I couldn't be.

Afterward when she was home and rebuilding, I spent more money keeping the pantry stocked while she wasted nearly everything I bought. I begged, I pleaded, but she'd eat while I was sleeping or while I was on errands or when I headed back to work, whenever I wasn't around she'd waste a weeks worth of groceries. I could've locked the fridge and pantry, but it didn't feel right. I could've yelled more or just stopped doing weekly groceries and switch to daily. But I didn't. That's on me. I know I could've been more authoritative, I could've been more proactive about the food waste. But I was working full time and in a slow downward tilt ever since she came home due to her behavior. So I was too exhausted. And it had an effect.

What I can say is I can count on one hand the times I spent money on anything frivolous after I moved out there and took a job at the prison. I tried to keep to a budget. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to. It simply didn't work. It would've worked if I'd been meaner and stricter. But I wasn't, so it didn't. That's on me. Its a small consolation that I know the people judging me so harshly now couldn't handle more than two weekends of what I handle every day and still have to work a full time job, so their judgment means very little.

I know I'm being called now to let her go. Even as worried as I am about her future and capability to function on her own, I know she needs to learn some things she's not learning with me to lean on or blame. But I have my rebuilding plan to focus on, so I am going to slowly separate our paths as best I can, so that she can become an adult. I know if there's anywhere safe for her to learn this, it's here.

The last two and a half months have been so chaotic and confusing I'm still processing what happened. I was working at a private prison. I loved my job but the six months I was there were also chaos. I ran afoul with one of my coworkers my third day there. I can't say I'd do things differently if I had the chance for a redo. I refuse to gossip about my superiors. I refuse to gossip about my coworkers. I refuse to gossip about my romantic partners. I refuse to gossip about my friends. I learned a very long time ago gossip destabilizes relationships very quickly even if the only damage it does is by creating strife and doubt in your own mind. You can quite effectively convince yourself to leave someone or that someone is horrible simply by ruminating endlessly about their negative traits. It can ruin morale, or other peoples chances at deeper connections as well. So I simply don't do it. So no, I wouldn't do things differently, even knowing that sticking by that personal principle effectively made me a massive target to about a dozen individuals and a whole lot of stress and a couple of near traumatic experiences I certainly didn't need.

I got extremely sick afterward. I had pneumonia for the first time in my life and it lasted nearly a full month. I can only guess the stress wore my immune system down as I so rarely get sick and normally heal very quickly. My lungs still aren't the same. I can't hit high notes in songs I used to sing with ease. I can project again, but sometimes I'm off tune or my voice cracks and sounds gravelly in places without me meaning to. I still have a cough occasionally and sometimes can't catch my breath. I'm still so exhausted. But at least I'm not bed ridden anymore, I'm not coughing so hard I can't control my body or stand. I'm work ready. I just wish I could get a job.

I got hired four times in the last month. From late December to present I've been officially hired four times, onboarded and background checked but the companies went no contact shortly after. All of the first three did so. The fourth actually gave me a start date, then cancelled two days later and went no contact. Not one has given me a reason. I was forced into homelessness. I am writing this from a shelter my daughter and I were thankfully qualified for. It's safe, it's warm and we have our own rooms.

I know I can rest here. Security is extremely high, the address isn't available or public so if my ex finds me here like he did my last house and job, well it will be extremely apparent at last to authorities how dangerous he is. We were stalked relentlessly for four years. I was bullied on all social media to the point I have hundreds of screenshots spanning each incident during that time to prove it. Sometimes I look at the evidence, look at my documentation of each time someone showed up outside my bedroom window, each time someone tried to hack my email or my social media, the IP addresses for those attempts located directly at his address in Tempe AZ, and I remind myself this is real. What I am experiencing is very real. Because all of this sounds so crazy I can't even believe myself at times.

I suppose this is a preface to all following posts. To warn and remind that if things seem incongruent or confusing, it is because I haven't made sense of those events yet in my mind. Abuse especially over a prolonged period of time is extremely difficult to navigate. It's not easy to heal from or make peace with. But that is the theme of my life story isn't it? That both healing and peace are still possible.

You can call me Lin. I am a bisexual woman, a widow, and a mother of two teens. I am diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar 2, and although undiagnosed 'officially' by choice, on the Austism Spectrum. What follows is my story as I navigate the fallout of stalking,severe trauma, workplace mobbing in a prison, and homelessness. Welcome.