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Four of Swords
Feb. 3rd, 2026 08:16 pmI helped make dinner again tonight. I'm starting to get to know everyone even though I spend most of my time in my room. I think they understand I just stick to myself. But I am starting to enjoy getting to know them all. I wasn't feeling well today and they were quick to take care of me with encouraging smiles. It's really disconcerting being around women who aren't trying to look for something to twist or use or complain about for attention. I'd completely forgotten what that's like. It's pushing me to trust again, to grow and let go of being afraid of making friendships.
I feel like I am meant to be here at this time- even though the circumstances that led me here are not ideal, it feels like a turn in my path that was necessary. That who I am cannot remain the same to meet what's coming next. I learned a long time ago to let go in these moments and let it unfold, let myself be shaped by the experience. I almost like moments like these. They're uncomfortable, but what happens is powerful like a forging fire.
I am glad they understand what I need to heal, it caught me off guard when my caseworker said it. Told me the program I needed, because I didn't think I needed a healing program at all. But she was right. I knew the way my heart and head felt when she said it meant I needed it. I felt humbled, called out, vulnerable. I wouldn't feel any of those things if I was already done healing. This place is going to require surrender in a way I haven't in a very long time.
I feel like I am meant to be here at this time- even though the circumstances that led me here are not ideal, it feels like a turn in my path that was necessary. That who I am cannot remain the same to meet what's coming next. I learned a long time ago to let go in these moments and let it unfold, let myself be shaped by the experience. I almost like moments like these. They're uncomfortable, but what happens is powerful like a forging fire.
I am glad they understand what I need to heal, it caught me off guard when my caseworker said it. Told me the program I needed, because I didn't think I needed a healing program at all. But she was right. I knew the way my heart and head felt when she said it meant I needed it. I felt humbled, called out, vulnerable. I wouldn't feel any of those things if I was already done healing. This place is going to require surrender in a way I haven't in a very long time.
