(no subject)

[xindigosaberx]

 I don't know what I expected from this year. I knew it was going to be difficult. Around August of last year it struck me that my time working at the prison was drawing to a close. Whatever I felt was going to be accomplished either had been, or was never going to. It was an awful feeling, especially since I could see how hard it was to keep any measure of a budget no matter how hard I tried. I had ascertained early all of our disposable income was getting used up by food. I'd tried everything I could think of at the time to control it, to budget it, to do anything at all to sustain it and every time I did it seemed to kick something off in my child where they purged or wasted nearly the entire pantry and fridge contents in a single weekend. I realize now it was a scarcity fear going into high gear but at the time it felt deliberate, it felt reckless and left me feeling utterly hopeless. I knew going into the new year when our lease ended was going to be awful and I spent the last half of the year trying to figure out a way to fix the situation, save money, and find a place I could afford. And while I did that, grocery and gas prices rose exponentially, rent skyrocketed and my chance to save literally anything really did become food money.

Now, after we made it most of the way out of that crisis, I find myself sitting here day after day, wondering if there is any way out of this at all. Some days it doesn't feel like it. Other days I give myself grace because I know I'm doing everything I can in that regard. But every day feels like a reminder, no matter how unfair it is to think it(and it is, I know it), that putting anyone else's feelings before my needs really screwed me over. I know deep down if I'd been meaner, if I'd thought more harshly, we wouldn't be in this situation. I cared more about another's feelings than I did hard realities. That's a mistake I know is mine to carry. I won't let myself make that mistake again.