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Mar. 27th, 2026 11:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xindigosaberx I don't necessarily believe what happened to me when I worked at the prison in Eloy was connected to my abuser, at least not at first. I don't think they knew about what I'd been through until they ran my background. Again, I am not a mind reader, so I don't know for certain or have all the answers. But I can extrapolate from the series of events and the snippets of conversations I overheard that what was intended for me, had happened to others, and was always the reason I was originally hired.
Not because I was qualified. Not because I was the best candidate to be a records clerk in their OIU, but because I fit the bill for what they needed in an unofficial capacity. They thought I was an idiot, I realized that almost immediately by the way I was corralled into that role. How I was assumed to have a crush on every male I spoke to, how every mistake I made while learning was magnified and ever success overlooked, by the way my roles without training were expected...and after training taken away one by one until I was sitting at my desk for half the day because I'd finished the only role I was allowed to have. By the way I was spoken to as though I could understand very little, when I'd given absolutely no impression of that being the case. By how I'd expressed myself genuinely, but was taken suspiciously as though every word I spoke was false. And how my attempts at positivity and refusing to join in bad mouthing anyone, were perceived as a lack of intelligence.
They needed me to be naive, an idiot, so that was exclusively the lens through which I was viewed.
No one spoke to me enough to know for certain what was true or not except my direct supervisor...and she didn't like me. I was a nuisance she barely tolerated because I refused to endure the slander and mind games another employee in our department enacted. I refused to simply put up with it as directed by her. So I became a problem she didn't want to solve. There was absolutely no motivation whatsoever for her to be honest in the narrative either.
(as an aside, during this time the facility locksmith would come by multiple times a day and wave to me and as he had trained me, I would wave back. I liked this man immediately and quickly grew to respect him immensely. He was solely the person there I wanted to be friends with. But eventually, I found instead he used the attention I gave as a tool to build bonds with others, speaking disparagingly about me openly in the main corridor then smiling brightly and waving at me like nothing happened, or coming up into my personal space in the break room to ask if I was really okay, until I started avoiding him too. I nearly forgot that also during this time the office gossip recognized how highly I regarded this man and began flirting and befriending him heavily, joking with our supervisor and the older coworker that she was 'taking one for the team'.)
It was sometime around there that I realized something was not quite right. The employee who tormented and gossiped about me(and everyone else, frankly) would dip into the Warden's office and with his door open and less then twenty feet from ours in a mostly bare hallway, whatever was said echoed. I have better than average hearing as it is and autism, so I could both hear them, and was unable to completely tune it out. I could hear the tones they used with each other, the quiet conspiratorial nature, his gentle and endearing responses. Nothing completely inappropriate, but alarm bells were going off in my head. The other coworker who suddenly teamed up with this one, started going in there too, but she listened to me when I pleaded with them that I could hear everything if the door wasn't shut and she would shut the door. But the Warden would always appear extremely angry after those little meetings, and often he'd be glaring directly at me. I would be clueless. Because it was every. single. time. after a seemingly pleasant morning where I hadn't done anything, no one had done anything to me and things were moving as one would consider normal.
It was around that time they suddenly made a very obvious and public show of keeping me from the Warden...which was ridiculous because I was already avoiding the man. Something about him seemed unstable and I wanted no part of it so I avoided being anywhere he was if I could help it. I might have to take my documents to the shredding room past his office, but that was for the most part the only time I'd ever pass his doorway. There were many times I'd have the shredding taken out of my hands so one of them could do it. If he sent me any instructions one of them would complete delivery and on one occasion the older of them commented while yanking the transfer packet from me "Thank God we were here" and rushing it to him in R&D.
At that point, I will admit I had little to no idea what was going on. I also did not want to know, so I'd put as much effort as I could into staying unaware in a situation where the people around me were...stupidly obvious about their toxic bullshit. I'd been threatened with violence twice. I was overhearing trash talk specifically about me on a daily basis, witnessing painfully gross flirting in the workplace between multiple pairs(more than one of them involving the office gossip) and seeing nearly everyone propping themselves up and most outright lying to each other to such a degree I was caught between extreme panic and disgust. I wanted out- but there were no opportunities. I kept checking, kept trying to find the right one to escape to, only to find the area had nothing comparable in pay or hours and I had a mentally ill teen in need of some supervision at home who was entirely unwilling to be home alone at night, and kept losing our house key so she also could not be trusted with the home during the day. I was effectively trapped for the time being, no matter how much I disliked it.
There was a strange incident where the Warden walked into the OIU and stopped in the doorway, staring wide eyed at me when I looked up. I admit I was not happy to see his reaction as this had begun to be a recurring event. This time the office gossip saw it. I narrowed my eyes at him and I am sorry to say I glared. I did not know what this attention I was getting was about- but I did not like it at all. After looking first to me to see my expression, the office gossip looked to see it was him staring at me like that, that had caused my ire. Not long after, she and my other coworker filed a complaint with HR that was more successful than those I had made, I was transferred immediately to medical. I remember when my supervisor found out because the medical department head stopped by the OIU to talk to me about my start date, the older coworker asked my OIU supervisor "What are we going to do?" and she looked at me and responded "I don't know." But in the week it took to solidify the paperwork, my supervisor and the older coworker spent each day visiting medical Records and by the time I got there...the medical records clerk I knew and had previously gotten along with was now very displeased with my presence.
At first I didn't even care. I was relieved to be away from the Warden and the OIU. It had been hell there and even if the medical records clerk wouldn't speak to me even to train me or answer ANY questions, at least I didn't have to see or hear any highly unnecessary bullshit on a daily basis. I wouldn't say I thrived there. I had very little training. I knew how to upload documents and file them in the hard files properly, I knew how to send a fax and dial out on the phone...and that was the extent of my training. But I knew if I'd had training beyond that for this highly specifically styled role, I would have excelled. I loved working with the inmates, giving them access to their records in the procedures required, making sure they knew what those procedures were and communicating with them. I got excellent feedback from them regarding it especially in the few moments when they were upset and I was able to talk with them until they understood and felt better equipped to seek care. I knew from those moments and from the way I enjoyed the paperwork and minutia of my role that this was what I wanted to do, that my idea years prior to seek this role long term outside of the corrections environment was the correct one. I had found what I wanted to do for a career at last, even if I was surrounded by coworkers who did not understand, care to know, or like me.
There were some there I liked, whether they liked me in return or not. Montgomery for example, one of the providers. He had high standards and was gossiped about for this, but his sharp, cantankerous humor never failed to make me laugh. There were days he and the CMA would come into medical records to talk and I'd have to school my face to remain neutral, as most of what he said would normally have made me giggle. It was a needed reprieve and I missed his presence when he was gone. Another provider, Nally, gave me a shot when no one else did. Not in friendship but as a coworker. She talked to me when most were afraid to. Heard me out, and in general I felt accepted by her and her alone more days than not. She was decent. I didn't know her well, but I knew that much. I will say the head of medical was another who gave me a shot. She was wary, as anyone who heard the things said about me would be, but it never effected how she spoke to me or treated me. She was actually extremely gentle with me. I appreciated that from her so much.
(This was the time period when exiting one day at the end of my shift, I held open the door to the main building to let in the crowd clocking out at 4 as I or another did most days. This time, one of the CO3's grabbed the door, pressed his entire body into my side and breathed the word 'mademoiselle' heavily into my ear. I stated flatly "Hello (his name)" and immediately removed myself. No one said anything. No one called him out, and I knew for damn sure nothing would be done. So I documented, and moved my fat ass along. What else could I do if reporting to HR made things 100 times worse and there were no opportunities for employment elsewhere?)
Unfortunately around then was when it became really clear the other medical records clerk was blaming me for others mistakes. She kept doing it. She wasn't actually in the records room 75% of the day so I let it go until I couldn't anymore as was a very bad habit of mine in the workplace I've since corrected. She would also purposely misfile a hard document and say the nurse who helped on the weekends did it, only I knew both who helped and knew one handled records before and was always correct- and the other simply left them loose for me in the right files so I could put them in the correct section as I filed during the week. I have no way of knowing how many forms she did this with but I feel for the department on their next audit. I caught her multiple times a week saying disparaging things about me to others that were not only unprovoked but wildly concocted. I caught on as well that her questions about me personally were styled simply for this purpose. When I confronted her twice for this behavior, she shoved it off as her being overwhelmed with work and would not discuss it. When I finally went to our supervisor who pulled her in to ask her to be a little more approachable, because she had begun refusing to answer my questions regarding procedure in addition to everything else, she confronted me loudly in front of everyone. I stayed calm and tried to maintain her dignity as well as my own, but nothing was solved. She told me she wished she was dead as a means to shut me up and having witnessed her behavioral inconsistencies, I took that comment seriously.
(Sometime during this, when a specific CO was on duty, he tried to get into the bathroom which was a single use locking room, not stalls- while I was using the toilet. I yelled repeatedly it was occupied as the door sign stated while I hurried to finish and pull my pants up. He kept trying keys and had it open just as I'd finished getting myself appropriate. I know he heard me yelling I was in there, he knows I know that. The smile on his face made it clear I'd narrowly saved myself from some new indignity. The inmate in the cell behind him saw the entire thing and asked me later if I was alright. That was the sum of my experience...inmates treating me with more dignity than the employees guarding them.)
That was the point for me when I finally let go. I started quietly looking for another job, any job, any pay rate, any role, just a means to leave. I got hired quickly at a temp company with a temp to hire role in casa grande. It was actually a 2 dollar raise, I passed initial background and reference check according to them, and I was so looking forward to getting back into the much less pressured industry of property management. But the last week of my employment things got weird. People were in my space at first and I simply dealt with it. Someone tried to get into the medical records storage closet when I was locked in there, if they were authorized, they'd have had a key like I did. I witnessed an inmate having a severe mental health crisis in connection with the loss of a loved one where he got pepper sprayed for getting angry when refused access to therapy where he'd been told prior he could. The facility therapist told him he was large and scary and had to understand his anger and tone were what led to that. He argued he was in cuffs, in a padded room, unarmed and in mourning, and it was not okay to tell him that. The facility provider refused to speak with him until he'd 'calmed down'. Another had an even more severe mental health crisis, and the CO's were making fun of him and his specific situation to his face while he waited in restraints for a cell to be available. My heart broke. He wasn't making eye contact with anyone, his head was down, and in one of what had to be the worst moments of his life, he was showing more dignity and good behavior, than any of the officers assigned to guard him.
I reported it before I even had time to think. There was never going to be a scenario for me witnessing something like that, that I wouldn't act out of reflex and I knew I had no authority to confront it directly with the officers involved. I knew HR on site would do as little as they had for me...which was nothing. So I went over all their heads and reported directly to corporate knowing that was the end of my employment and it would be a race against time to see if I got into my new job before the retaliation for this new issue began. That was at the beginning of the week. Things got progressively worse with people in my personal space, people glaring, the gate operators in Control making me wait 5 to ten minutes to get anywhere. Then Friday rolled around. I showed up in my company logo long sleeved polo shirt, jeans and flats. I had no makeup on, my hair pulled into a tight bun. I was focused on comfort at that point, nothing more, so I could just get through my day. I'd even spent a couple moments in front of the mirror that morning musing on how I looked noticeably less presentable and it would just have to do. But somehow that morning, multiple men told me how attractive I looked before I'd even gotten in the first security gate. By the time I got to my desk, several inmates had commented as well. I observed one of the superiors of the CO's joking around and I commented 'I saw that' in a joking response. He smiled, came over and invaded my space to an inappropriate level in view of the cameras and kept getting closer until in a moment of panicked uncertainty because I really had no idea what he was doing, I stepped back and maintained that distance until I could leave the conversation I now knew I never should have initiated.
Disconcerted and confused, I sat at my desk for a while trying to recenter myself and figure out why I was getting so much attention when I knew for a fact it didn't make sense. I am not a conventionally attractive woman. I have very large eyes, a pointed large nose, big teeth and a round face that looks perpetually angry- top all of that off with about 100 pounds of excess weight, I am not pretty. I am not even, in my opinion, passable. I'm awkward, and I often joke that I look like my mom and dad were first cousins. There was no reason in my mind that I could conceive of, that the attention I was receiving that morning was genuine or positively intended. I went to the break room by control to clear my head and get some caffeine and food. I was suddenly very tired. On my way back I had to wait a very long time at the door to medical. To my immediate rear was the Warden talking on his cell phone. To my left were the arrivals, locked in the waiting area to be processed. A couple made a response that I was very pretty. I said thank you curtly and turned toward the door, one continued louder, I told him that was quite enough but he continued, I turned toward the Warden, only to find him turn entirely on the situation. The inmate grinned and began even harder to describe how much he liked my shirt and how it fit and that it matched my eyes. I yanked the door open when it finally buzzed and went to my desk then went out to my car and verified I was still slated to start my new job the next week, then went back to my desk, sent my resignation letter, turned in my keys and ID and left the facility. I'd clocked in at 8 am, and I was gone long before noon.
I have no idea what was happening that day. Maybe it was intended to accomplish exactly what it did. Maybe it was some horrible coincidence- but I doubt it. Either I was genuinely unsafe, or I was made to feel that way, either way the inmates knew at that point the Warden would not defend or protect me. I had to work with inmates in close quarters(sometimes locked in a room with multiple inmates) on a daily basis. I could not stay with any of them knowing even the facility director himself wouldn't speak out on my behalf.
So I quit. I left. And the next day my new job fell through with no warning or explanation. Then the next job did the same thing. Then the next. Then the next job after those gave me a start date, location and my supervisors name...and cancelled without warning or explanation two days later. I caught pneumonia and was bedridden with a fever, coughing so hard each time a fit came I hurt myself, burst blood vessels in my eyes and vomited for three weeks. We became homeless not long after that and by divine intervention alone, ended up where we did. I thought since we were almost in entirely different county and more than an hour away it would be far enough to not have to deal with people from the prison ever again. This past week proved that wrong.
Not because I was qualified. Not because I was the best candidate to be a records clerk in their OIU, but because I fit the bill for what they needed in an unofficial capacity. They thought I was an idiot, I realized that almost immediately by the way I was corralled into that role. How I was assumed to have a crush on every male I spoke to, how every mistake I made while learning was magnified and ever success overlooked, by the way my roles without training were expected...and after training taken away one by one until I was sitting at my desk for half the day because I'd finished the only role I was allowed to have. By the way I was spoken to as though I could understand very little, when I'd given absolutely no impression of that being the case. By how I'd expressed myself genuinely, but was taken suspiciously as though every word I spoke was false. And how my attempts at positivity and refusing to join in bad mouthing anyone, were perceived as a lack of intelligence.
They needed me to be naive, an idiot, so that was exclusively the lens through which I was viewed.
No one spoke to me enough to know for certain what was true or not except my direct supervisor...and she didn't like me. I was a nuisance she barely tolerated because I refused to endure the slander and mind games another employee in our department enacted. I refused to simply put up with it as directed by her. So I became a problem she didn't want to solve. There was absolutely no motivation whatsoever for her to be honest in the narrative either.
(as an aside, during this time the facility locksmith would come by multiple times a day and wave to me and as he had trained me, I would wave back. I liked this man immediately and quickly grew to respect him immensely. He was solely the person there I wanted to be friends with. But eventually, I found instead he used the attention I gave as a tool to build bonds with others, speaking disparagingly about me openly in the main corridor then smiling brightly and waving at me like nothing happened, or coming up into my personal space in the break room to ask if I was really okay, until I started avoiding him too. I nearly forgot that also during this time the office gossip recognized how highly I regarded this man and began flirting and befriending him heavily, joking with our supervisor and the older coworker that she was 'taking one for the team'.)
It was sometime around there that I realized something was not quite right. The employee who tormented and gossiped about me(and everyone else, frankly) would dip into the Warden's office and with his door open and less then twenty feet from ours in a mostly bare hallway, whatever was said echoed. I have better than average hearing as it is and autism, so I could both hear them, and was unable to completely tune it out. I could hear the tones they used with each other, the quiet conspiratorial nature, his gentle and endearing responses. Nothing completely inappropriate, but alarm bells were going off in my head. The other coworker who suddenly teamed up with this one, started going in there too, but she listened to me when I pleaded with them that I could hear everything if the door wasn't shut and she would shut the door. But the Warden would always appear extremely angry after those little meetings, and often he'd be glaring directly at me. I would be clueless. Because it was every. single. time. after a seemingly pleasant morning where I hadn't done anything, no one had done anything to me and things were moving as one would consider normal.
It was around that time they suddenly made a very obvious and public show of keeping me from the Warden...which was ridiculous because I was already avoiding the man. Something about him seemed unstable and I wanted no part of it so I avoided being anywhere he was if I could help it. I might have to take my documents to the shredding room past his office, but that was for the most part the only time I'd ever pass his doorway. There were many times I'd have the shredding taken out of my hands so one of them could do it. If he sent me any instructions one of them would complete delivery and on one occasion the older of them commented while yanking the transfer packet from me "Thank God we were here" and rushing it to him in R&D.
At that point, I will admit I had little to no idea what was going on. I also did not want to know, so I'd put as much effort as I could into staying unaware in a situation where the people around me were...stupidly obvious about their toxic bullshit. I'd been threatened with violence twice. I was overhearing trash talk specifically about me on a daily basis, witnessing painfully gross flirting in the workplace between multiple pairs(more than one of them involving the office gossip) and seeing nearly everyone propping themselves up and most outright lying to each other to such a degree I was caught between extreme panic and disgust. I wanted out- but there were no opportunities. I kept checking, kept trying to find the right one to escape to, only to find the area had nothing comparable in pay or hours and I had a mentally ill teen in need of some supervision at home who was entirely unwilling to be home alone at night, and kept losing our house key so she also could not be trusted with the home during the day. I was effectively trapped for the time being, no matter how much I disliked it.
There was a strange incident where the Warden walked into the OIU and stopped in the doorway, staring wide eyed at me when I looked up. I admit I was not happy to see his reaction as this had begun to be a recurring event. This time the office gossip saw it. I narrowed my eyes at him and I am sorry to say I glared. I did not know what this attention I was getting was about- but I did not like it at all. After looking first to me to see my expression, the office gossip looked to see it was him staring at me like that, that had caused my ire. Not long after, she and my other coworker filed a complaint with HR that was more successful than those I had made, I was transferred immediately to medical. I remember when my supervisor found out because the medical department head stopped by the OIU to talk to me about my start date, the older coworker asked my OIU supervisor "What are we going to do?" and she looked at me and responded "I don't know." But in the week it took to solidify the paperwork, my supervisor and the older coworker spent each day visiting medical Records and by the time I got there...the medical records clerk I knew and had previously gotten along with was now very displeased with my presence.
At first I didn't even care. I was relieved to be away from the Warden and the OIU. It had been hell there and even if the medical records clerk wouldn't speak to me even to train me or answer ANY questions, at least I didn't have to see or hear any highly unnecessary bullshit on a daily basis. I wouldn't say I thrived there. I had very little training. I knew how to upload documents and file them in the hard files properly, I knew how to send a fax and dial out on the phone...and that was the extent of my training. But I knew if I'd had training beyond that for this highly specifically styled role, I would have excelled. I loved working with the inmates, giving them access to their records in the procedures required, making sure they knew what those procedures were and communicating with them. I got excellent feedback from them regarding it especially in the few moments when they were upset and I was able to talk with them until they understood and felt better equipped to seek care. I knew from those moments and from the way I enjoyed the paperwork and minutia of my role that this was what I wanted to do, that my idea years prior to seek this role long term outside of the corrections environment was the correct one. I had found what I wanted to do for a career at last, even if I was surrounded by coworkers who did not understand, care to know, or like me.
There were some there I liked, whether they liked me in return or not. Montgomery for example, one of the providers. He had high standards and was gossiped about for this, but his sharp, cantankerous humor never failed to make me laugh. There were days he and the CMA would come into medical records to talk and I'd have to school my face to remain neutral, as most of what he said would normally have made me giggle. It was a needed reprieve and I missed his presence when he was gone. Another provider, Nally, gave me a shot when no one else did. Not in friendship but as a coworker. She talked to me when most were afraid to. Heard me out, and in general I felt accepted by her and her alone more days than not. She was decent. I didn't know her well, but I knew that much. I will say the head of medical was another who gave me a shot. She was wary, as anyone who heard the things said about me would be, but it never effected how she spoke to me or treated me. She was actually extremely gentle with me. I appreciated that from her so much.
(This was the time period when exiting one day at the end of my shift, I held open the door to the main building to let in the crowd clocking out at 4 as I or another did most days. This time, one of the CO3's grabbed the door, pressed his entire body into my side and breathed the word 'mademoiselle' heavily into my ear. I stated flatly "Hello (his name)" and immediately removed myself. No one said anything. No one called him out, and I knew for damn sure nothing would be done. So I documented, and moved my fat ass along. What else could I do if reporting to HR made things 100 times worse and there were no opportunities for employment elsewhere?)
Unfortunately around then was when it became really clear the other medical records clerk was blaming me for others mistakes. She kept doing it. She wasn't actually in the records room 75% of the day so I let it go until I couldn't anymore as was a very bad habit of mine in the workplace I've since corrected. She would also purposely misfile a hard document and say the nurse who helped on the weekends did it, only I knew both who helped and knew one handled records before and was always correct- and the other simply left them loose for me in the right files so I could put them in the correct section as I filed during the week. I have no way of knowing how many forms she did this with but I feel for the department on their next audit. I caught her multiple times a week saying disparaging things about me to others that were not only unprovoked but wildly concocted. I caught on as well that her questions about me personally were styled simply for this purpose. When I confronted her twice for this behavior, she shoved it off as her being overwhelmed with work and would not discuss it. When I finally went to our supervisor who pulled her in to ask her to be a little more approachable, because she had begun refusing to answer my questions regarding procedure in addition to everything else, she confronted me loudly in front of everyone. I stayed calm and tried to maintain her dignity as well as my own, but nothing was solved. She told me she wished she was dead as a means to shut me up and having witnessed her behavioral inconsistencies, I took that comment seriously.
(Sometime during this, when a specific CO was on duty, he tried to get into the bathroom which was a single use locking room, not stalls- while I was using the toilet. I yelled repeatedly it was occupied as the door sign stated while I hurried to finish and pull my pants up. He kept trying keys and had it open just as I'd finished getting myself appropriate. I know he heard me yelling I was in there, he knows I know that. The smile on his face made it clear I'd narrowly saved myself from some new indignity. The inmate in the cell behind him saw the entire thing and asked me later if I was alright. That was the sum of my experience...inmates treating me with more dignity than the employees guarding them.)
That was the point for me when I finally let go. I started quietly looking for another job, any job, any pay rate, any role, just a means to leave. I got hired quickly at a temp company with a temp to hire role in casa grande. It was actually a 2 dollar raise, I passed initial background and reference check according to them, and I was so looking forward to getting back into the much less pressured industry of property management. But the last week of my employment things got weird. People were in my space at first and I simply dealt with it. Someone tried to get into the medical records storage closet when I was locked in there, if they were authorized, they'd have had a key like I did. I witnessed an inmate having a severe mental health crisis in connection with the loss of a loved one where he got pepper sprayed for getting angry when refused access to therapy where he'd been told prior he could. The facility therapist told him he was large and scary and had to understand his anger and tone were what led to that. He argued he was in cuffs, in a padded room, unarmed and in mourning, and it was not okay to tell him that. The facility provider refused to speak with him until he'd 'calmed down'. Another had an even more severe mental health crisis, and the CO's were making fun of him and his specific situation to his face while he waited in restraints for a cell to be available. My heart broke. He wasn't making eye contact with anyone, his head was down, and in one of what had to be the worst moments of his life, he was showing more dignity and good behavior, than any of the officers assigned to guard him.
I reported it before I even had time to think. There was never going to be a scenario for me witnessing something like that, that I wouldn't act out of reflex and I knew I had no authority to confront it directly with the officers involved. I knew HR on site would do as little as they had for me...which was nothing. So I went over all their heads and reported directly to corporate knowing that was the end of my employment and it would be a race against time to see if I got into my new job before the retaliation for this new issue began. That was at the beginning of the week. Things got progressively worse with people in my personal space, people glaring, the gate operators in Control making me wait 5 to ten minutes to get anywhere. Then Friday rolled around. I showed up in my company logo long sleeved polo shirt, jeans and flats. I had no makeup on, my hair pulled into a tight bun. I was focused on comfort at that point, nothing more, so I could just get through my day. I'd even spent a couple moments in front of the mirror that morning musing on how I looked noticeably less presentable and it would just have to do. But somehow that morning, multiple men told me how attractive I looked before I'd even gotten in the first security gate. By the time I got to my desk, several inmates had commented as well. I observed one of the superiors of the CO's joking around and I commented 'I saw that' in a joking response. He smiled, came over and invaded my space to an inappropriate level in view of the cameras and kept getting closer until in a moment of panicked uncertainty because I really had no idea what he was doing, I stepped back and maintained that distance until I could leave the conversation I now knew I never should have initiated.
Disconcerted and confused, I sat at my desk for a while trying to recenter myself and figure out why I was getting so much attention when I knew for a fact it didn't make sense. I am not a conventionally attractive woman. I have very large eyes, a pointed large nose, big teeth and a round face that looks perpetually angry- top all of that off with about 100 pounds of excess weight, I am not pretty. I am not even, in my opinion, passable. I'm awkward, and I often joke that I look like my mom and dad were first cousins. There was no reason in my mind that I could conceive of, that the attention I was receiving that morning was genuine or positively intended. I went to the break room by control to clear my head and get some caffeine and food. I was suddenly very tired. On my way back I had to wait a very long time at the door to medical. To my immediate rear was the Warden talking on his cell phone. To my left were the arrivals, locked in the waiting area to be processed. A couple made a response that I was very pretty. I said thank you curtly and turned toward the door, one continued louder, I told him that was quite enough but he continued, I turned toward the Warden, only to find him turn entirely on the situation. The inmate grinned and began even harder to describe how much he liked my shirt and how it fit and that it matched my eyes. I yanked the door open when it finally buzzed and went to my desk then went out to my car and verified I was still slated to start my new job the next week, then went back to my desk, sent my resignation letter, turned in my keys and ID and left the facility. I'd clocked in at 8 am, and I was gone long before noon.
I have no idea what was happening that day. Maybe it was intended to accomplish exactly what it did. Maybe it was some horrible coincidence- but I doubt it. Either I was genuinely unsafe, or I was made to feel that way, either way the inmates knew at that point the Warden would not defend or protect me. I had to work with inmates in close quarters(sometimes locked in a room with multiple inmates) on a daily basis. I could not stay with any of them knowing even the facility director himself wouldn't speak out on my behalf.
So I quit. I left. And the next day my new job fell through with no warning or explanation. Then the next job did the same thing. Then the next. Then the next job after those gave me a start date, location and my supervisors name...and cancelled without warning or explanation two days later. I caught pneumonia and was bedridden with a fever, coughing so hard each time a fit came I hurt myself, burst blood vessels in my eyes and vomited for three weeks. We became homeless not long after that and by divine intervention alone, ended up where we did. I thought since we were almost in entirely different county and more than an hour away it would be far enough to not have to deal with people from the prison ever again. This past week proved that wrong.
