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Mar. 17th, 2026 06:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xindigosaberx Schools official start date was today. Got into the assignment and realized it's actually going to be a quite easy first leg of the course- which is probably why they started with this class. Trying to be optimistic and cheerful, struggling with both. Got my official start date and time for my job, which means I passed both drug screen and background. Looking forward to my first day. Worked out all my outfits for the dress code which is just a plain shirt and jeans. I'm good. I can wear most of my cute earrings and smaller necklaces though and that's cheering me up a ton.
One of the ladies who works here at the shelter found out I like plants and gifted me flower seeds and a flowerpot with my name on it. I'm really excited to get them planted. The seeds are pretty easy to grow in arid well draining soil and full sun so they'll do well outside here and be so pretty. Once I've got them sprouted I'm going to plant them around each other in the same pot to be a perennial bouquet. Years ago I was super into plants, especially succulents until the kids cats ate them all. It was really hard to enjoy growing things after that. I didn't blame the cats but it turned something that eased my heart into a source of irritation and at the time I was barely holding on so I had to just stop trying. Now, I'm doing a lot better, I have actual coping methods and much more control over my emotions.
Looking back, it's hard to believe I used to crash out the way I did instead of simply using my words and voice- which people think is me crashing out. No, its expressing myself. I used to legitimately crash out. When the kids were infants and my ex abandoned me to care for them Monday through Friday completely alone- I busted my knuckles on a wall more than once (while they were finally and safely napping upstairs) because the constant crying and no help was near impossible to deal with and for almost a year it felt like no one cared how hard it was because all the people who should have helped, were (surprise) suddenly nowhere to be found. Just like they always were each time anything hard happened in my life and I looked around for support.
People who purposely and methodically abandon you when you're drowning then take your response to that abandonment and project it to the world claiming you have mental health issues are the very worst sort of people.
It's why I've held on to my daughter for so long, why I've put up with so much when I know my own parents would've kicked me out at 15 for even attempting some of the things she's pulled. Because family shouldn't do that. When you're pulling shit and doing things you absolutely will regret as an adult, your family should still show up and tell you you're wrong. They should care enough to help you get what you need to improve and heal so you can be functional. Maybe that's why this hurts so bad and that's on me to handle. It's not on her. I would've killed for a mom like me. Who may not show up to every performance but for damn sure made sure I had what I needed for it and definitely did show up when my life was imploding to help me survive and pick up the pieces. Who apologized when her imperfections complicated my life. Who let me be me and supported me being something other than a mini version of herself. But my daughter isn't me. So I will have to accept that my efforts may not be what she wanted or values. May not even be helpful to her in her view. But damn does that sting. Because I actually did do 'my best'. May not have been enough, but it was my everything.
One of the ladies who works here at the shelter found out I like plants and gifted me flower seeds and a flowerpot with my name on it. I'm really excited to get them planted. The seeds are pretty easy to grow in arid well draining soil and full sun so they'll do well outside here and be so pretty. Once I've got them sprouted I'm going to plant them around each other in the same pot to be a perennial bouquet. Years ago I was super into plants, especially succulents until the kids cats ate them all. It was really hard to enjoy growing things after that. I didn't blame the cats but it turned something that eased my heart into a source of irritation and at the time I was barely holding on so I had to just stop trying. Now, I'm doing a lot better, I have actual coping methods and much more control over my emotions.
Looking back, it's hard to believe I used to crash out the way I did instead of simply using my words and voice- which people think is me crashing out. No, its expressing myself. I used to legitimately crash out. When the kids were infants and my ex abandoned me to care for them Monday through Friday completely alone- I busted my knuckles on a wall more than once (while they were finally and safely napping upstairs) because the constant crying and no help was near impossible to deal with and for almost a year it felt like no one cared how hard it was because all the people who should have helped, were (surprise) suddenly nowhere to be found. Just like they always were each time anything hard happened in my life and I looked around for support.
People who purposely and methodically abandon you when you're drowning then take your response to that abandonment and project it to the world claiming you have mental health issues are the very worst sort of people.
It's why I've held on to my daughter for so long, why I've put up with so much when I know my own parents would've kicked me out at 15 for even attempting some of the things she's pulled. Because family shouldn't do that. When you're pulling shit and doing things you absolutely will regret as an adult, your family should still show up and tell you you're wrong. They should care enough to help you get what you need to improve and heal so you can be functional. Maybe that's why this hurts so bad and that's on me to handle. It's not on her. I would've killed for a mom like me. Who may not show up to every performance but for damn sure made sure I had what I needed for it and definitely did show up when my life was imploding to help me survive and pick up the pieces. Who apologized when her imperfections complicated my life. Who let me be me and supported me being something other than a mini version of herself. But my daughter isn't me. So I will have to accept that my efforts may not be what she wanted or values. May not even be helpful to her in her view. But damn does that sting. Because I actually did do 'my best'. May not have been enough, but it was my everything.
