Four of Swords
Feb. 1st, 2026 07:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xindigosaberxI cooked dinner for the shelter tonight. My daughter made dessert. Got positive feedback, was given a soda. Kinda felt nice to be part of a communal home again where people work together. I forgot what that felt like. I slept better last night. A solid 7 hours without waking before room check. I like it here, it's not ideal and I really don't like depending on anyone, but I feel safe. The people who work here are solution oriented which is a relief and a refreshing change from what I've been dealing with for YEARS in my old life. Regardless I cried myself to sleep last night and it was the first time I've cried in months.
I'm grieving the changes and the choices I made that led me here. The difficulty lies in knowing the choices I made felt right and I don't think I would have changed them. My daughter has severe mental illness, it causes challenging behaviors and four times in the past before this- extreme crisis requiring intervention. Altogether I spent a sum I don't even want to disclose on getting the best treatment money could buy.
I sent her to a facility in Newport Beach so she could get the best treatment money could buy and I visited twice in spite of living in AZ, did daily multiple phone calls with her support team, did video calls and daily phone calls with her. Did twice weekly family video appointments with her therapist, her care was literally my full time job for what amounted to ultimately a year and a half after my husband died. I racked up quite a bit of bills which I paid off quickly when I got the settlement for my husbands death. I was a stay at home mom for 3 years because of that money during the most tumultuous time of our lives. I DO NOT regret spending it that way. It made keeping my suicidal child alive possible. It made me present for my other childs life in a way I couldn't be.
Afterward when she was home and rebuilding, I spent more money keeping the pantry stocked while she wasted nearly everything I bought. I begged, I pleaded, but she'd eat while I was sleeping or while I was on errands or when I headed back to work, whenever I wasn't around she'd waste a weeks worth of groceries. I could've locked the fridge and pantry, but it didn't feel right. I could've yelled more or just stopped doing weekly groceries and switch to daily. But I didn't. That's on me. I know I could've been more authoritative, I could've been more proactive about the food waste. But I was working full time and in a slow downward tilt ever since she came home due to her behavior. So I was too exhausted. And it had an effect.
What I can say is I can count on one hand the times I spent money on anything frivolous after I moved out there and took a job at the prison. I tried to keep to a budget. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to. It simply didn't work. It would've worked if I'd been meaner and stricter. But I wasn't, so it didn't. That's on me. Its a small consolation that I know the people judging me so harshly now couldn't handle more than two weekends of what I handle every day and still have to work a full time job, so their judgment means very little.
I know I'm being called now to let her go. Even as worried as I am about her future and capability to function on her own, I know she needs to learn some things she's not learning with me to lean on or blame. But I have my rebuilding plan to focus on, so I am going to slowly separate our paths as best I can, so that she can become an adult. I know if there's anywhere safe for her to learn this, it's here.
I'm grieving the changes and the choices I made that led me here. The difficulty lies in knowing the choices I made felt right and I don't think I would have changed them. My daughter has severe mental illness, it causes challenging behaviors and four times in the past before this- extreme crisis requiring intervention. Altogether I spent a sum I don't even want to disclose on getting the best treatment money could buy.
I sent her to a facility in Newport Beach so she could get the best treatment money could buy and I visited twice in spite of living in AZ, did daily multiple phone calls with her support team, did video calls and daily phone calls with her. Did twice weekly family video appointments with her therapist, her care was literally my full time job for what amounted to ultimately a year and a half after my husband died. I racked up quite a bit of bills which I paid off quickly when I got the settlement for my husbands death. I was a stay at home mom for 3 years because of that money during the most tumultuous time of our lives. I DO NOT regret spending it that way. It made keeping my suicidal child alive possible. It made me present for my other childs life in a way I couldn't be.
Afterward when she was home and rebuilding, I spent more money keeping the pantry stocked while she wasted nearly everything I bought. I begged, I pleaded, but she'd eat while I was sleeping or while I was on errands or when I headed back to work, whenever I wasn't around she'd waste a weeks worth of groceries. I could've locked the fridge and pantry, but it didn't feel right. I could've yelled more or just stopped doing weekly groceries and switch to daily. But I didn't. That's on me. I know I could've been more authoritative, I could've been more proactive about the food waste. But I was working full time and in a slow downward tilt ever since she came home due to her behavior. So I was too exhausted. And it had an effect.
What I can say is I can count on one hand the times I spent money on anything frivolous after I moved out there and took a job at the prison. I tried to keep to a budget. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to. It simply didn't work. It would've worked if I'd been meaner and stricter. But I wasn't, so it didn't. That's on me. Its a small consolation that I know the people judging me so harshly now couldn't handle more than two weekends of what I handle every day and still have to work a full time job, so their judgment means very little.
I know I'm being called now to let her go. Even as worried as I am about her future and capability to function on her own, I know she needs to learn some things she's not learning with me to lean on or blame. But I have my rebuilding plan to focus on, so I am going to slowly separate our paths as best I can, so that she can become an adult. I know if there's anywhere safe for her to learn this, it's here.
